


(un)Quiet

by AutumnPen



Series: The Little Detours [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: AU, Alternate Canon, Apologies, F/F, Father-Daughter Relationship, Friendship, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Growing Up, Headcanon, Promises, Reunions, Sort of? - Freeform, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, more like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 17:38:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4675490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnPen/pseuds/AutumnPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are sixteen when Gon tells her she's beautiful.</p><p>A fic about the tension between saying too much and not enough - about growing up - about wanting to be different - about changing. There is peace here, but also the knowledge of what needs to be said and done for that peace to last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(un)Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time posting HxH fic and it's a liiittle different from what you might expect. I've developed some pretty specific headcanons for Gon and Killua's genders. In this fic Gon is a trans girl and Killua is AFAB genderfluid (more about that [here](http://unnoticed-and-necessary.tumblr.com/post/125967656344/okay-but-what-about-afab-genderfluid-killua-who) and [here](http://unnoticed-and-necessary.tumblr.com/post/126645983344/this-whole-thing-started-because-i-wanted-to-draw)).That is why both of them are referred to with she/her pronouns and why, part way though Alluka calls Killua "Brother" and then "Sister" later. That is not what this fic is about, but rather just an explanation for the language used. If this is an AU, it is only so in that Gon and Killua's genders are different. Everything else is (more or less) the same.
> 
> Set a few years after the 2011 anime ending.
> 
> Edit (2-21-16): Now added to The Little Detours series!

They are sixteen when Gon tells her she's beautiful.

They are sixteen and Gon isn't chasing her father anymore. Gon at sixteen feels differently about Ging than Gon at twelve or even fourteen did. She still... admires him. Ging is, after all, a great hunter – the best, maybe. And after following him up the World Tree, Ging had done exactly what she'd hoped he'd do when she found him – took her with him. Or let her follow, really, as he went on adventures, and along the way he challenged her and taught her and helped her grow, just a little.

Ging is a great hunter, which is what Gon has always thought she wanted to be. But Ging is also selfishness and unfair expectations and always moving forward, always going, no matter who he leaves behind. Gon remembers where being _all that_ has gotten her before. She doesn't want that.

They are sixteen and Killua doesn't regret one moment of the approximate two years they've spent apart. Which isn't to say that Killua hasn't missed Gon – She missed her like a limb, like the sun, like the way her heart missed a beat when they saw each other again for the first time in what felt like ages, like it has continued to do a regular intervals over the last two months they've spent together since reuniting. But before that, for the past several months, she's had Alluka and Nanika to travel with, to look after, and to laugh with and to be happy with. She can't regret that. She knows she never will.

And besides, she isn't sure she could have had Gon walk back into her life one moment before she had. She wants to say she's forgiven Gon for everything – really, she does. But there are nightmares. Nightmares that, she is ashamed to admit, Alluka has shaken her awake from on more than one occasion. Nightmares and a certain amount of trepidation that she can't completely shake. So maybe she isn't ready to forgive _everything_. Not quite, at least, although the passage of time has left her less raw and less bitter, and being around Gon again is easier than she could have ever hoped for.

They fall into their old camaraderie like shrugging into an old favorite sweater, worn at the elbows but still warm and comforting.

They sit on Whale Island with a small campfire behind them and the stars above them and Alluka asleep in a tent nearby, hunkered down for the night in the same spot they'd chosen all those years ago. Their exploration – rediscovery – of Whale Island is slower this time around, but neither of them minds. It's okay. Killua feels safe here with Alluka for now, and both are content to pace out their time spent together. _No need to rush_ , they silently agree.

They talk low, stifling their laughter so they don't wake Alluka, and smile at each other as they catch their breath. Then Killua asks, “Where's Ging now anyway?”

Gon blinks as if she's surprised that she brought him up. Her expression and gaze shift, turning thoughtful as she looks up at the sky. She is sprawled out on her stomach, propped up on elbows. “Still looking for a way to the outside world, I guess,” she answers, then shrugs her shoulders. _He doesn't exactly keep in touch_ , she doesn't say, but it is implicit. He hasn't changed that way, although he _had_ left an invitation open – She could come find him again if she wanted, and he wouldn't run this time. The flip side of that being, of course, that he wasn't going to slow down so she could catch up, either. But that was probably as close as he was eve going to get to saying that he liked having her around.

Killua stretches her legs out in front of her and leans back on her palms, watching Gon for a quiet moment. Gon doesn't talk much about Ging unless Killua asks. She'll tells stories of things that happened while they were together willingly enough, but she rarely volunteers anything about the man himself. Gon fills Killua in on their time apart as best she can, but sometimes she seems to talk around Ging. It's strange to Killua because she still remembers that starry-eyed kid with a serious case of hero-worship chasing after Ging's coattails. Back then, it was always Ging-this and Ging-that. The stark change to almost radio silence on a subject that had previously occupied so much of Gon's focus is a little startling, if not altogether unwelcome. Killua understands that Gon's opinion on Ging has taken on a complex change, and she guesses that's just part of Gon growing up.

It is a change that Killua was first made aware of during one of their rare phone calls while they had been apart. They'd been talking about a lot of nothing, at the time, when Killua casually asked how Ging was, to be polite. Gon said he was fine, before blurting out suddenly -

“Ging's kind of an asshole.”

The silence that followed after was tinted with embarrassment, and Killua knew it was a thought Gon had been wanting to voice for a while, but hadn't meant to. It startled a laugh out of her.

“Well, yeah,” she agreed. “You're just now figuring this out?” She teased, because Killua always teased Gon and maybe that normalcy between them would make Gon less uncomfortable about this subject.

“Yeah,” Gon said, her voice quieter, almost petulant. “Sorta...”

Killua hummed, allowing for a pause, before, “Well, if you get really frustrated with him that video of Leorio punching him is still online... Or, you know, you could smack him a good one yourself.”

The bubble of laughter that followed was muffled, like Gon was stifling it with her hand, but it was enough for Killua to know she'd restored Gon's good mood. “Yeah, maybe.”

And then they'd changed the subject.

Now, she asks, “Are you going to go after him again?”

That well and truly startles Gon. Her eyes snap back to Killua, her gaze intense, honey eyes reflecting both starlight and firelight. “I--” Her brows furrow as she looks at the ground. “I--” That isn't an easy question. The idea of following Ging still has a unique allure. He would bring her exciting places, new places... Places she isn't sure there would be a way back from. “I don't know,” she admits. “It sounds... But he's so...” She bites her lip, and in a show of childish frustration, she smacks the ground with her fist.

Killua leans forward then, crossing her legs. “...It's... it's not bad if you want to,” she offers. Although the thought of parting ways with Gon again is painful, to say the least, Killua understands. Sort of. If Gon has to leave her again... A lump forms in her throat at the thought, but she wills it away. She's long given up on trying to hold that sort of sway over Gon. She'd survived their parting once. She could do it again, if need be. She doesn't want to, but she also hasn't allowed herself the false hope that this reunion could last for much longer. Even with everything that still hangs heavy and unsaid between them, even though there are moments when they both hesitate, moments where they have to test the water to make sure it's safe for swimming – even with all of that, it was all too good for Killua. Therefore it couldn't last. She clears her throat and continues with her earlier line of thought. “It's okay if you don't, too. I know he kind of sucks, but he's still your old man.”

“He _really_ sucks,” Gon says, her voice low and a bit melancholy. She spent such a long time wondering why she hadn't been good enough for him, and then _trying_ to be good enough to go after him. Now she's mostly just mad she ever thought she _had_ to be good enough – mad that he made her feel that way, and still sometimes does. “He makes me angry,” she says, rolling onto her back and crossing her arms. It's the first time she's admitted that out loud.

Killua bows her head and shakes with silent laughter. She's never actually seen Gon get pissy about Ging – Ging, her dad, her hero. Ging, the asshole who never, in Killua's esteemed opinion, deserved even a small fraction of the time and thought Gon dedicated to him. Maybe it is mean of her to enjoy this change, but it had been such a long time coming. When she looks up again, grinning, she is met with Gon's pout. “I guess you really don't want to be just like him anymore.”

Gon's pout fades, and she sits up slowly, eyes fixed on Killua before they slide back towards the ground. “...No,” comes her answer, more serious that Killua was expecting. When Gon looks up again, she fixes Killua with a look that Killua can only describe as intense. Her heart does that skipping thing again, but she feels like she's missing something, too. The way Gon's looking at her – it's like she's trying to say something, but not. Which is weird, because Killua has never known her friend to mince words.

She swallows, then says, “Alluka was right, you know.”

Gon blinks, instantly remembering what Killua means.

Shortly after they had met up again, Alluka and Gon had taken to each other like they had been friends for _years._ Killua would later guess that they sort of had been. In their scattershot emails, texts, letters, and phone calls Gon and Alluka had tentatively started their own conversations, first using Killua as a proxy and then having conversations completely their own that didn't involve Killua at all. It made Killua happy and jealous all at the same time. Mostly happy, now.

Alluka was absolutely thrilled when they met up with Gon again in person and Gon had picked her up under the arms and swung her around ( _Be careful!_ Killua had hissed even as Alluka laughed) before drawing her into a tight hug.

When they settled down after their initial greetings, the questions had spilled out.

Questions about Gon's trip, her overall comfort during the trip, how long it had taken her to arrive from where she had been, if she wanted any food, _where_ she had come from and, eventually questions about Ging. Had he been with Gon before she left to come meet them? How was he doing?

Gon answered her questions in good humor, although she hedged on saying anything definite about her father. _Yes, he'd been there, too,_ she said, and _He's been well_. Not much else.  
  
Then Alluka said: “Brother told me – you want to be just like your dad.”

Killua had watched as a shadow passed over Gon's face, then as she opened her mouth to answer, only to hesitate. A glance, very brief, was sent towards Killua, before she said, “I... That's what I said, yeah.”

Alluka, without missing a beat, smiled bright – the smile that always made Killua feel the full brunt of her love for her sister – before saying, “I think Gon's fine the way she is, though. Gon should be like Gon!”

And Killua loved her for that, too – for being able to say what she herself wasn't.

Gon remembers, and stares at her friend in disbelief as Killua goes on to say, “You can just be yourself, Gon. You don't have to be like anyone else. It's fine.”

How can Killua say that to her? After all she's done – after all the hurt Gon _knows_ she caused her. Doesn't she understand that being herself – that's already like being like Ging?

Ging is selfishness and unfair expectations and always leaving people behind.

 

_-you to keep your cool and talk me out of it!_

_Killua, I want that one myself_

_-if I insist on having my way-_

_You have it easy, Killua, since it means nothing to you_

 

Gon has been so selfish – _so selfish_ – and she always just took for granted – she took everything for granted

She took _Killua_ for granted

\- until Killua wasn't there anymore

Gon doesn't want to be like her father, but the truth is she thinks it's too late. He already reminds her so much of herself – They are so similar, and Gon knows it would be really easy for her to become just like the man who leaves everyone behind.

Looking at Killua, she doesn't think a thought has ever terrified her more.

In the end, Ging leaves everyone behind, insistent and focused on what's out of reach.

_It was because I insisted on having my way--_

Killua is furrowing her eyebrows, looking perplexed as she softly calls, “Gon?”

 _When apologizing to a friend, there's a rule. Do you know it?_

Looking at Killua – with her starlight hair and her night sky eyes and her slim, strong limbs, Gon hears her father's voice.

 _No, what is it?_

She's given up on being like Ging, but being herself – at least, herself as she had been two years ago – isn't good enough, either.

_You promise to do things differently next time._

 

_And you keep that promise, no matter what._

“No, its not.”

Killua has been growing steadily more concerned with Gon's unresponsiveness, and the serious stillness that clouds her best friend's gaze in a way that she hasn't seen since- since-

She shakes her head. No, this isn't the same as then.

“It's not what?” She asks, having lost track their conversation already.

“It's not fine.” Killua only has to frown before Gon continues. “I'm not– I can't be like I was. I won't, I promise. It'll be different. I'll be different. Better.” _Just give me a chance_ , Gon doesn't dare ask, because she knows she doesn't have the right to. That's Killua's decision, as far as she is concerned.

It isn't the apology that Killua deserves, but it's the closest Gon has come since the first time she'd apologized all those years ago. There had been times when Gon wanted to – to say something, to apologize right. But 'right' wasn't over the phone, or through a letter, or a text or anything like that. So Gon hadn't tried, then, and Killua hadn't brought it up. When they met two months ago, dancing around the topic had become a routine. It was normal. It wasn't going to be an easy habit to break.

Gon is on the brink of saying more, promising more. There's more she needs to say, more that Killua deserves to hear. But Killua is starting to look uncomfortable. Gon can recognize that anxiety, and even in her eagerness she doubts she has the right words, doubts that she can express all she means to express. Maybe Killua isn't ready to hear all of it yet, and she senses that she shouldn't push it, not yet. She wants to respect Killua's boundaries.

Killua is getting a little twitchy, struggling with how to respond, and her brows knit together as she averts her eyes and sighs, “Gon--”

So Gon blurts instead, “Killua's so beautiful.”

Every gear in Killua's head grinds to an absolute stop as she turns to look at her friend again. Before the word “beautiful” even completely registers in her mind, she can feel the heat creeping up from her collar bone to engulf her face. A very small, far-away, sensible voice tells her to be thankful that Gon changed the subject. The rest of her is backpedaling furiously.  
  
“What!?” She manages at last, a little too loud, and jumps as she shoots her gaze over to the tent. Frozen, she waits to make sure that her sister isn't stirring inside before looking at Gon and repeating, softer. “ _What_?”

Gon is glancing over at the tent as well, before returning her gaze to Killua. She seems a little surprised herself, and maybe even a little flush, but she repeats herself. “I said that Killua is beautiful.”

“I-” Killua pauses to take a breath, and to make sure her voice is lowered. “I know what _you said_ ,” she replies in a harsh whisper. Her face feels so hot. She knows she's probably just as red as anything and resists the urge to slink back into the shadows. “Just – what does that have to _do_ with anything? You say the most embarrassing things sometimes!”

“I- Well-” Gon stumbles for a moment, before her characteristic stubbornness takes over. “Well, it's true!” She insists, speaking just as quiet, and almost pouting. When Killua is unable to respond to this, Gon's expression softens, and she smiles. “Killua is so beautiful ... and strong, and resilient,” she continues, still looking at Killua, “and loyal and kind.” She tosses one more glance towards the tent, then laughs when she looks at her friend again, finding her positively red.

“Sh-shut up,” she protests, weakly.

Gon hums. “I'm so glad we met. I'm so glad I know you.”

Killua frowns, scrunching up her eyebrows. “You're _embarrassing_ ,” she hisses. After a pause, she adds on, “Me too.”

It's worth it to see Gon's eyes light up the way they do. Killua looks a moment longer, before turning away and rubbing the back of her neck. She makes a show of stretching, and flopping backwards to stare at the sky.

She sighs, “Man, you got even weirder while you were away. I don't remember you being _this_ embarrassing.” She folds her arms behind her head to make a pillow.

Gon shifts, kicking her legs out beside her as she leans on one arm, eyes turnings skyward as well. “Mm, no.” In the pause that follows, Killua has enough time to look at her friend curiously. Gon doesn't look back. “At least, it wasn't while I was away... I've known Killua is beautiful for a long time now.” Gon smiles when she hears Killua's _tch_ , and looks to find that Killua has turned her head away, probably to hide another blush.

Lifting her gaze again, Gon is overcome in equal parts by mischievousness and by a need to confess, just a little, so she goes on, speaking more to the stars than to Killua. “Sometimes Killua is so beautiful I could kiss her.”

The silence that stretches between them afterwards isn't uncomfortable – not exactly. Gon does her friend, and herself, the favor of keeping her eyes up. Killua eventually stops hiding her face but doesn't look over to when her friend is sitting, either. It's easier that way.

Killua's heart just won't slow down, and she waits for Gon to say something else – to laugh it off as a joke or to take it back or to-- To just say _something_ – something that will make _sense_. Where does Gon get off telling her something like that? Does she – Is she making fun of her? No, Killua is so certain that Gon doesn't _know_. She's never said anything, and even if it's – Even if other people might have realized ( _Ikalgo, Palm, Alluka, Leorio_ -) Gon's never been that observant. Gon _can't_ know.

But Gon doesn't say anything else. She doesn't even stifle a giggle, or move at all from what she can tell. Blinking up at the stars, Killua calms herself as much as she can. Who knew Gon even thought about that stuff? She doesn't allow herself to muse on _why_ Gon thinks about that stuff – about her. She's never allowed herself assume anything about _that,_ and she doesn't plan and starting now – not when she's so certain that this can't last.

 _It can't last much longer_ , Killua repeats to herself, trying to smother out old daydreams about tasting Gon's smile. She doesn't want to think about what Gon's lips will feel like, or how warm Gon would be, or if it would even be good or not. After all, it won't matter once Gon leaves again. Once she's gone, and Killua is left only with regrets, what-ifs, and daydreams.

 _Unless_ -

Unless Gon _did_ kiss her. The thought seems to have come from nowhere. Killua feels flush all over again. _But_ , a stray thought insists, _why not_? Gon had more or less offered, hadn't she? Or at least, she had admitted she'd at least thought about it. If it's bad – Killua's heart leaps into her throat – if it's bad, or awkward, then it won't matter once Gon left anyway. And wouldn't it be better to have something real, something solid, something other than a fantasy to hold onto when that happened? A _memory_ instead of just some make-believe-

“Alright.”

The word cuts into the quiet so suddenly and unexpectedly that Gon almost jumps. She wasn't expecting Killua to say anything at all, but – Killua still isn't looking at her when she turns her wide brown eyes towards her. “Um... what?”

Killua lets out an exasperated puff of breath before sitting up. She musters all of her courage and turns to face the other. “ _I said_ 'Alright.'” Her face is reddening, but her gaze doesn't waver.

Gon is certain that, despite the advantage of her darker complexion, she will soon be as red as her friend. She doesn't want to trust in what she's just heard. “You mean, you want to … kiss?” She finishes with a sheepish smile.

“Don't you?!” Killua snaps, avoiding the question. “You just said I'm-” Her throat closes around the words. “You said you could-” She presses her lips together tightly, finding it impossible to form the words that fell from Gon's mouth so easily.

“I do! I could!” Gon blurts, feeling that if she doesn't offer Killua that reassurance right away that Killua will revoke the offer. She hurries on to explain. “I want to, I just... I don't want to just because I want to. I mean, I only want to if it's okay with you – that is, not just if it's okay, but... if you want to too.” Inwardly, Gon bemoans her ineloquence. She wishes, not for the fist time, that she had a better way with words.

“ _Idiot_ ,” Killua bites off, turning her face away. She is certain that her heartbeat could be heard all the way back at Mito's. To give her hands something to do, she grips her ankles, crossed in front of her. “I just said so, didn't I? I said 'alright,' so you can-” She stops speaking when she hears Gon scooting closer.

“Yes,” Gon says, nearer than she had been, right at Killua's shoulder. “You did. I'm sorry, Killua, I wanted to be sure.”

Killua suppresses a tremor, only to find she can't turn to face her friend.

“Killua...” Gon's voice is low, and near her ear. Killua can feel her breath. “Can I kiss you now?”

Taking a deep breath, Killua counts silently to three, and turns. Gon is so close, and when she watches those brown eyes slid from her own to contemplate her mouth... she does shiver, then. She nods, then finds her voice. “Yeah... Okay.”

Gon is leaning on hands and knees as she presses her mouth to Killua's, and Killua hands are still clamped around her ankles. It is not a good position. Neither of the girls are balanced, and they teeter out of the kiss almost as soon as it starts, but they rearrange themselves immediately. Killua turns to face her fully, Gon scoots closer and sits on her legs rather than depending on her knees for support. They've hardly taken a breath before their lips meet again, and this time Killua grips the arm that Gon is leaning her support onto while Gon uses her free hand to cup Killua's jaw.

It is slow, and each girl has to consciously relax the shape of her mouth so the kiss fits better, more natural. They part a second time, but only far enough so they can rest their foreheads together. Gon's eyes are closed and she smiles lazily. Killua sees that smile and unconsciously leans forward again to capture it. Gon is surprised, but hums her approval into Killua's mouth.

When Killua opens her eyes again Gon is grinning unabashedly at her. She flushes anew and Gon begins to laugh quietly.

“Shut up!” Killua says, pushing her, which only makes Gon laugh harder. Despite herself, Killua smiles too, becomes infected with Gon's laughter and soon they're both giggling and pushing at each other until they're all but wrestling in a heap on the ground and they both hear rustling from the tent.

“Sister?” Comes Alluka's sleepy voice as she pokes out her sleep-tousled head. “What's all the noise?”

“It's nothing, Alluka,” Killua says, pushing herself up on her elbows. Beside her, Gon is biting her lip to smother her laughter. She cranes her head from her position on the ground to wave sheepishly at Alluka. “Gon's just being obnoxious. Go back to sleep.”

Alluka blinks her tired eyes at the both of them, takes a moment to process what she sees. Both seem out of breath and happy, and Gon is still shaking with held-back laughter. Satisfied, she nods. “Mmmkay. Night night.” Soon, she's withdrawn into her tent once more.

There's one, two, three beats of silence before Gon makes a raspberry sound from trying not to laugh. Killua punches her arm. “Be quiet! If you wake my sister up again, I'll beat the crap outta you!” She tries to seem irritated, but she can't stop smiling herself.

While Gon calms down an takes several more moments to catch her breath, Killua flops onto her back. Gon's head is resting on her forearm, which is stretched out to the side, and Killua's leg is thrown over one of Gon's. “What's so funny anyway? You had better not be laughing at that- at the kiss! I've never...”

“No, no!” Gon insists quickly, rolling her head to the side so she can see the other girl. When she's sure Killua is paying attention she says, “You just... made me really happy, is all. Sometimes Killua makes me so happy, I just can't hold it all in!” She laughs at herself a little, and Killua rolls her eyes and makes an exasperated noise. “It's was a wonderful first kiss.”

Killua shoots her a questioning look. _Your first?_ She asks without words. Gon nods. Killua hums and mumbles an agreement, and Gon doesn't need her to say that it had been her first kiss, too.

Gon settles on her side and scoots a little further up Killua's arm, head resting just inside her elbow, now. “Hey, Killua?” She waits for the sound of her friend's acknowledgment before going on. “You're still my best friend.”

Killua smiles at the sky, feeling some little sort of tension in her loosen and fade away. Something that had been there so long she'd forgotten about it. She lifts her arm and ruffles Gon's hair, ignoring the sounds of protest and Gon trying to push the offending hand away. “You're mine too, Gon.”

Gon stills and goes quiet, and then only hums. Killua still isn't ready to trust in the future, and she still hasn't let go of all that's passed but... right now, right now they're good. Right now, they are sixteen, and still best friends, and have shared their first kiss. Her sister sleeping nearby, peaceful and safe. For now, that's enough.


End file.
